College Consumer Report
By Scott Richardson

Ikea, Furniture Store:
There’s nothing quite like quirky, eclectic, in style furniture that a blind hermit could tell that you bought at Ikea. We’ve all walked into that apartment or dorm room and looked at a piece of furniture and without having ever seen it before, know for sure that they spent $79.00 for it at Ikea. And while the prices are good, I offer one serious word of caution, and I mean this quite seriously… furniture stores should not be selling meatballs. I mean do not eat at their cafeteria. Getting meatballs at a furniture store is like getting your cat neutered at an auto shop, it may seem like a good idea at first, but you end up eating cat for dinner. C-

ParadiseNudes.com, Porn site:
How many times have you been, umm, doing research on pornography, clicked on a link that says something like “hot schoolgirl” only to be sent to a picture gallery of a lanky, web footed 40 year old with a smoker’s face. (That kind of wrinkled, melted look.) Oh, but she’s wearing a plaid skirt! Someone needs to tell these idiots that a plaid skirt does not make her a fucking schoolgirl. But I can say quite comfortably, that I highly recommend this site for, uh research. B+

Trojan Condoms, The world’s happiest piece of rubber:
Condoms are condoms, right? Wrong. First of all, if they happen to break, then congratulations mamma and papa, it’s a boy! And while I’ll review abortion clinics in my next article, that’s just a pain in the ass. So pick your condoms carefully. The last thing this world needs is a small dumb ass version of you running around buying more cheap condoms. And if you’re wondering if I know which brand is best from trying them all, the answer is no, okay, screw you, I don’t get laid enough to try different brands. But sometimes advertising tells us all we need to know about a company; like that it actually has money to spend on advertising. So for all of our sakes, use Trojan, the condom company that can actually afford advertising. ® A

Clear Eyes, Eye Drops:
Clear eyes can be a lifesaver when you need to go to a class or your job after having gotten really allergic. Anyone with Chronic allergies will tell you that they won’t leave home with out it. This one time my friend had some really good pollen that was all sticky and we all got really allergic to it. I had a speech to give in one of my classes and everyone would have known how allergic I was if not for this amazing little invention that also just so happens to cause diarrhea if put into someone’s drink (A true and useful tip!) Now that’s a useful product! If only it cured the munchies. A-

Capital One, Credit Cards:
For those of you who haven’t seen Capital One’s commercials on TV (because that’s where commercials generally are) they have a hoard of Vikings carrying axes and spears runs at a guy about to use his credit card only to be stopped short when the guy informs the Vikings politely that he's using a Capital One card! Wow, you mean the same people who give students working at the hot dog hut a platinum card are now going to stop destroying our lives? No. But Capital One absolutely will not, under any circumstances, ever wear ridiculous Viking costumes while doing it. And as far as credit card companies go…that’s about all you can really ask for. B+
(As a side note, why do Vikings have horns on their helmets? I can't imagine that they ever actually stab someone with their head.)

Pokerstars.com, Lose your money website:
Pokerstars.com has a big promotion now where you get $40 free just for signing up! Okay look, anytime a company offers you forty bucks for downloading a free product, chances are good that it’s not because they’re the Saint of free money. In fact, you may want to look up, because more than likely you’re about to be hit with the proverbial hot sack of nickels. Yes, you could win money, but with online poker being about as legal in the U.S. as an infant prostitution ring, getting your money may involve trying to collect from a Nicaraguan cartel and a six country currency exchange. Good luck. D+

Apple Ipod, Portable music player:
I really have zero funny things to say about Ipods, I’m actually just hoping that someone at Apple sees this and sends me an email at scott@gleib.com offering me one for free. Come on, I gave you an A+

Scott is the head writer of “The Gleib Show” on the National Lampoon Network. You can check out the show and more writing on www.gleib.com.