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by Scott Richardson |
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STDs, Joan Rivers, & Mariah Carey is a Robot
By Scott Richardson
Fake Celebrity Profiles Online
Someone PLEASE explain something to me.... who are these people who have enough time in their lives to design a fake Paris Hilton profile on myspace? And what, are they like jerking off to all the email she gets from horny marines trying to pick up on her with dirty emails. All I know is that if I ever met someone who has one of those fake profiles, I will shoot them in the head. I will drive to a gun store, obey the 5 day waiting period, go to their house and shoot them. Cuz that's a creepy hobby, and if you check their basements, I guarantee you'll find golf balls and purses made out of human heads.
Best/Worst Dressed
Why is it that it's impolite to tell someone you meet that they look like a puked up piece of taco meat, yet there are entire columns, articles, TV shows, and that shriveled bitch Joan Rivers who's sole mission is to say this to celebrities. After every award show, there is some column on yahoo or msn that will be full of quotes like..."Jessica Simpson looked like a simple whore in a shit colored Donna Karen gown that made her look like she had bulimia and a stomach flu." There's nothing wrong with this, I'm just pointing out that we should be allowed to say that to people we meet too.
Gonorrhea and AIDS
All STDs should have horrible names like Gonorrhea. Then people would try harder not to get them. All the STDs you hear a lot about sound like cool band names. "Yeah, I'm seeing a sick show tonight, The Herpes are opening up for HIV." "Sick, bro. I wish I could go, but I got to go the clinic cuz some bitch gave me bloody puss warts." Think people would be just a little more careful?
Drunk/Disorderly Conduct AND Destruction of Property with a Gardening Tool
Did you know that the punishment is worse if you're drunk as well when you smash someone's mailbox with a shovel? I personally am more afraid of the guy who does this without Yagger, but hey, apparently I'm not the Judge. Damn community service!
Mariah Carey is a Robot!
Just remember, when this story breaks, you heard it here first. This scandal will rock the world at first, then people will realize that they should have seen it coming. Look at the simple facts.... You never see her walk, she can sing so only dogs can hear her, there is something eerily plastic and unfuckable about her, and she has battery powered nipples.
Scott Richardson is the head writer and executive producer of National Lampoon’s "The Gleib Show." Check out www.gleib.com
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