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My Pact to Party
Some people make pacts with the devil. I made a pact with myself.
I recently went to Santa Barbara to visit my brother, who lives in the notorious college town of Isla Vista. Some of the hottest girls in the world. Lying out. In bikinis. Iıve been out of college for five years, but I decided upon seeing this, that at least for the weekend, I would party like I was in college again. I made a pact with myself: All weekend at UCSB I would party as hard as the people around me. Every time they drank, Iıd drink. When they smoked, Iıd smoke even more. Was this a sad attempt to act young, fit in, and get girls that are much younger than me? Of course. Now all I had to do was convince my liver and lungs to be young at heart.
And as far as the girls, I felt I had a leg up, because I was also there to do a standup show, and I thought naturally the girls would come. But being at UCSB, I was urged, coerced even, to smoke pot before I went on stage. So, holding to my pact, I smoked as much pot as I could. And I got fucked up beyond belief, and had to go on stage and perform for 45 minutes. I had a hard time remembering jokes Iıve told over a thousand times. But the show was pretty good. At least as far as I could tell. I was very high. I know I ended with a great bit about anal sex.
On the walk back to my brotherıs place I asked every hot girl I saw to come party with us. In cheesy, overbearing ways I told them all I was a comic. I thought this would impress them. None of them came.
We started drinking beer, and one hot girl that knew my brother came over. She caught the end of my act. She only heard the anal sex bit, and she kept talking about how much she liked it. This was a good sign.
But the guys all wanted to go party hopping, and keeping the pact, I joined in. And I got super drunk. Someone pulled out the beer bong, and so I had seven beers in about forty seconds. But instead of fitting in, I felt like Will Ferrell in "Old School," and was probably only minutes away from running around town naked. I got back at 4am, drunk, and smoked some more pot before bed.
When I woke up at noon, I saw the anal sex girl had left her number on a post-it note on the cabinet. But she didnıt say who it was for, and I wasnıt gonna be the old guy who was calling the 18 year-old in case she wanted to have anal sex with a 26 year old comedian. "Remember me from last night? You loved my anal sex joke. Wanna hang out?"
That day was a sorority volleyball tournament, which sounded wonderful. So my brotherıs friends and I smoked some more pot, and walked over to it. I decided to buy a 24 pack of beer, to help my game when we got to the tournament. This was great for getting hot AND ugly girls to talk to me for 10 seconds and then ask for a beer. One girl actually said, and this is an exact quote, "Bud Light? You must be rich!" I felt like an idiot. 24 minutes later my beers were gone. So I watched sorority volleyball. The far team won 10 tits to 5 asses. It was a great game. We walked back and got stoned some more.
That night, we watched Family Guy reruns. Of course while smoking lots of pot. And drinking beer. And not having sex with hot college girls. This brought me back to the good old days when I was in college, smoking pot, drinking beer, and watching "South Park" reruns. Crazy how times have changed.
On Sunday I got up at noon, smoked pot, thought about calling the anal sex girl again, didnıt, then drove home to LA and masturbated.
But I followed through on my pact! I kept up with my brotherıs friends all weekend long. It was easier than I expected. The weekend was fun, but somehow it felt incomplete. Next time I visit Santa Barbara, Iım gonna make my pact simpler: Get laid.
-GLEIB
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