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November
6, 2004 – 3:30pm
I don’t want to be Dan Aykroyd
Aging is real. I’m sorry if this comes as a
shock to anyone, but this fact keeps being re-proven
to me lately. When you are young, high school, college,
technical college (which is called that because it
is technically a college) you feel that your youth
will last forever. Partly from a feeling of invincibility,
but mostly because you just don’t care. You don’t
think about it. Being young is so time consuming that
it leaves little time to realize that we are all getting
older.
I was faced with this the other day as I was logging
old tapes of my standup, from just two years ago, and
couldn’t ignore that my delivery was worse, but
that I looked fantastic! (Relatively speaking.) I looked
young, and alive, and even had a higher pitched voice.
Oh, and I was thin! (Again, relatively speaking.)
I have never been skinny. People never believe me when
I say that, but it is true. I am the worst kind of
fat. I’m stealthy fat. Under the seemingly flat
veneer of a gas station shirt or a vintage tee lies
a mass of lard that takes whatever shape it pleases.
I have never been happy to take off my shirt in public,
though I have sacrificed for my art, going topless
several times on camera for comedic effect. I’m
no dietician, but when taking off your shirt helps
you gain a following for your comedy, you’re
not gonna be posing for the cover of Men’s Health
anytime soon. Being stealthy fat is the worst because
it is misleading to the general female public. Occasionally
I get a girl to spend a little time with me, and as
things progress, inevitably, I have to take off my
shirt. It is then when shock, surprise, and often a
kind of frightened effect comes over the girl’s
face. “This isn’t what I bargained for!” is
the way their facial expression translates. It’s
kind of my Trojan horse. I gain their trust, get them
into the bedroom, and BAM! YOU’RE IN BED WITH
A FATBOY!!! COME ONBOARD THE MOONBOUNCE OF LOVE!
(The sad state of my superfluous figure was the basis
of an episode of The Gleib Show in season three. The
episode was titled “The Plot Thickens.” The
role was not a stretch. Though it was for my skin.)
But the point is that it’s only getting worse.
With age, your face does look older, your voice does
get lower, your comic delivery does get better, but
your body also does tend to get fatter. This is the
only one you can combat, but it requires working out,
which quite honestly, sucks. Hell I’m winded
typing this shit. I fear that I am becoming Dan Aykroyd.
Aykroyd is a very funny man who certainly made his
mark in comedy. But now? Now he is mostly known for
weighing 900 pounds. And sadly his theory was not proven
true. Becoming three times your weight does not make
you three times funnier. So will I be able to learn
from the path so widely carved by Mr. Aykroyd. Will
I be able to see that path and turn around, reversing
the effects of aging and laziness? I’m winded
again, sorry…Okay, I caught my breath. Will
I be able to? I don’t know. I just made a hundred
dollar bet with my similarly bodied Asian friend Chong
Chong to see who can lose more weight by December 15.
I’ve got over a month. So, you better believe
that three weeks from now I will start hitting that
gym. BECAUSE I WILL NOT BECOME DAN AYKROYD! I REFUSE.
Funny in Ghostbusters, fat in swim trunks. That’s
his reality. But it won’t be mine.
I was gonna keep writing all day, but my friends just
called, including Chong Chong, and they are playing
basketball at 5. I’m gonna play. Cause I’m
still young. (Relatively speaking,) and I guess gaining
weight can wait. At least until December 15.
This entry was brought to you by Biscuits.
Come on Dan Aykroyd, just three more!
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